No Wonder it’s so hard!

It’s Crunch Time!

I remember not so fondly this time of year when my kids were trying to decide where to go to college. Along with the usual senior year angst and anxiety about all the impending changes ( mostly mine, not theirs) this indecision was a most unwelcome guest.

I think I had the crazy notion that it would be easy (ha-ha… another assumption bites the dust!)

And the truth is for some kids it is. They have a school that they really, really want to go to and their parents want them there, too …. and they get in …and whew…
done and done.

No offense to those of you who have had or are having this experience but the rest of us kind of hate you (just kidding, we love you… mostly, but maybe we are just a bit comparing and despairing of the way you and your senior seem so relaxed and happy)

For the rest of you for whom this process may not be going quite as smoothly, I offer this:

It’s going to be o.k.
No, really, it’s going to be o.k.
I really, really mean it- it’s going to be o.k.

Actually, it’s better than o.k. because if your child is wrangling with this decision it means he or she is trying to figure out what the best place is for them.
And while it can be excruciating to watch, it’s also exquisitely perfect.

Think about what they are doing! They are adulting… and as we adults know, adulting is hard.

For most kids this is the first major decision they will ever make. And it is a major decision with far reaching consequences. If your kid is taking what seems to be a long time in figuring this out- that is a GOOD THING! In fact, it’s better than good- it’s perfect. The question is: what are you, the parent, making it mean that your child can’t (or won’t) make a decision (spoiler alert: it probably has more to do with you than with them).

As a (now recovering) control freak I can see that I just wanted to know where they’d be going so I could begin to wrap my mind, heart and checkbook around it. I wanted to move forward quickly to the “doing” part. That was the part that allowed me to focus on dorm rooms and meal plans, clothing needs and sorority recs.

In other words, it gave me something to do other than think about how my life was about to change. Brene Brown says our brains can’t stand uncertainty or ambiguity; and it’s true. As much as my children struggled with their choices, it was I who was the most impatient. And my reasons for being impatient had to do with the uncertainty I was facing.

The good news: my kids made their decisions. It all worked out. Yes, they struggled to come to those conclusions but it was a good struggle; the kind that helped them to grow and believe in themselves and their abilities to problem solve.

The truth is this was their big moment (mine would come later, after dropping them off and facing their empty rooms) and they did it beautifully and imperfectly, with their father and me as sounding board and support staff. This is a position we empty nest parents need to get used to occupying if we are to let our children assume the role of leaders of their own lives. 

And after all, isn’t that exactly what we as parents are called to do?

Have you got questions or concerns about the empty nest? I can help! Let’s jump on the phone. In 30 minutes I can help you begin to untangle your trickiest thoughts. Click here for your free clarity session.

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