My children are now technically adults. That doesn’t mean they are fully grown or that they don’t still turn to their father and I for advice, guidance, or help with things like moving (good god, when does the statue of limitations end on that one?), taxes, or what kind of health plan to purchase. The relationship we had is evolving; which is exciting, confusing, overwhelming and sometimes painful. Our roles are changing and so are the rules for how we interact. As I have groped along trying to figure out what does and doesn’t work I’ve come up with a few tips:
1. Be TAO
This is a little acronym we use in the life coaching biz which means: transparent, authentic and open. When used in context with our families it means not trying to cajole, manipulate or bribe our kids to get them to do what we think is in their best interest. It’s o.k. to authentically talk to your child about your hopes and dreams (both for yourself and them). It’s not o.k. when we don’t own the difference in our wants and desires from those of our children and worse, when we try to get them to “come around to our way of thinking” through guilt or any other passive aggressive means at our disposal. I’ve worked with a lot of mothers who truly love their children and don’t even realize they are doing this. That’s why it’s so important to be clear about our own fears, desires, and anxieties as they relate to our kids’ futures (and presents). I have found when dealing with my own children that when my intentions are clear our communication is at its best.
2. Listen more than you talk.
Put another way- don’t be so quick to problem solve. What I have found is when one of my kids calls with a problem or an issue , they don’t necessarily want me to solve it for them. Sometimes all they want is an empathetic voice who can remind them that they are capable of handling what life has delivered to their door. The quickest way to shut down a conversation is to jump in and try to fix it for them. Nine times out of ten they will tell me “you just don’t understand, mom”. And the truth is- I don’t. I don’t live in their world, walk in their shoes, or comprehend the lingo and technology that is second nature to them. When we deliver a quick and easy fix ,they hear us say , in essence, you can’t do this on your own. What does work? Listening, rephrasing what they said and then asking: what do you think? A little empathy goes a long way. Acknowledging that their problem is real (at least to them) and painful is the key. This will help them come up with solutions those of us raised with the threat of saber tooth tiger attack might never have thought of.
3. Let Go of Outcomes
This leads me to my last tip. When they do come up with their own solutions, sometimes those answers won’t make sense to us. We may even think they are counterintuitive. The point is our children own their problems and their solutions. So tip number 3 is LET GO. Let go of how you thought it should go. Let go of any lingering dreams that are more about you than them. From the moment our children took their first steps and learned to say “NO” the die was cast. These beautiful beings are indeed separate from us. They have their own North Stars to guide them and while we have been gifted to be along for the ride, the journey is theirs. When we let go of our own outcomes and learn to embrace the dreams they have for themselves our relationships will change for the best. Do you want to learn more about navigating relationships with your adult (or almost adult) child … here’s how: work with me one on one – to schedule an appointment go to www.acuity … join me in a closed/secret fb group devoted to just this issue of creating the best relationship possible with your kids sign up for my monthly newsletter ( I promise not to bombard your inbox) for tips, hints, and inspirations!
If you own your story, you get to write the ending!