When my son was in high school we had a fantastic college counselor. She worked not only with him, but with our family to help us all through what can be an emotionally (not to mention financially) draining time.
One of the best questions she asked Greg and I was this: “what are your fears for Joey as you go through this process”
That was such a great question! It helped me to clarify what I was feeling. I had legitimate fears about how the college search, application and acceptance process would affect my bright, but average GPA’d kid.
A great follow up question that I wish someone had asked (but no one did) would have been this:
What are YOUR fears as you head into this process?
Separate from my worries about how Joey would fare were the ones I had about myself, our family, and our family dynamic. The ones that were hard to put into words- they were mostly a lot of feelings- sadness, anxiety, fear, loss. I couldn’t fathom how our family would operate without our fun loving, full of life boy. How would we function with one of us AWOL? Even things like dinner and vacations seemed to be in suspended animation- I couldn’t quite picture it (though I tried).
Here is what I know now (that I really wish I had known back then)…
One of the biggest contributors to anxiety is trying to imagine (or control) what hasn’t happened yet.
I am a recovering “worst case scenario” worrier. I would travel down every conceivable unpaved, rocky, road of terror in order to “prepare myself” for whatever catastrophic possibility might ensue. I actually thought that if I pictured the worst case (and then the even worse one after that) then I’d be prepared.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
It didn’t work. Oh, except to give me stomachaches, migraines and a low level of constant anxiety that kept me from living in the beauty of the present.
A coach friend who is also in “recovery” asked me recently what I would have done differently now that I know better, and this is how I answered her:
I would allow myself to feel all the feelings; the sadness, the joy, the pride, the disappointments and the fears. As each bubbled up I would greet them as the gifts they were- all of them- not just the pleasant ones. The fear had much to teach me, as did the sadness. Rather than try to squelch them, ignore them, or medicate them, I would invite them in (see Rumi’s poem The Guest House).
What I know now is that when I am anxious, it’s almost always because I’m not living in the present moment. I am anticipating something that “might” happen and when I do that there is pain. Living in the “what if” is an excruciating place for me. When I stay in the present; the now, I am at peace.
For example when I think to myself “Joey is never going to get into his number one college choice” I become worried. I begin to think a number of other disconcerting thoughts like these:
He will get depressed
He will go somewhere and hate it and drop out
He will end up living in our basement
When I stop myself in the middle of this angst parade and ask myself:
What is true right now, in this moment?
It stops the carnival ride.
What is true?
He hasn’t been denied
He hasn’t been accepted
He has a family that loves and supports him
He has many options and the right one will float to the surface
I trust that my prayers have already been answered and God has it covered
I repeat these truths until the worry is replaced by peace
P.S. Joey did not get into his first choice school, he did, however end up where he was meant to be, graduated in 4 years, is gainfully employed and NOT living in our basement!
Do you want to learn how to find peace in the middle of troubling thoughts? I can help you! Take it from a recovering worrier- if I can do it …so can you! Let me help- hop on the phone with me and let me untangle one of your worrisome thoughts in 15 minutes. Go here to schedule it: