Personally, I think different people have different reasons for fearing this stage of life but at the end of the day it really comes down to this:
Change
Most of us don’t really relish change, even when it is good and healthy and necessary. We would rather stay in the comfort zones we have created- even when those zones are cramped, uncomfortable and no longer fit our lives, our needs and our desires.
Here are, what I believe, are some of our top fears about the Empty Nest and my response to them:
- When my child leaves, he or she will no longer need me. My role as a mother is over. Your role is changing, and you will need to learn how to parent a child not only from afar but also in a way that acknowledges their new status as an adult (or as I like to call them- almost adults).
- We’ve poured our hearts and souls into the vocation of motherhood and our child leaving creates a major life change, as well as a shift in family dynamics which can lead us to and identity crisis. Who are we if we aren’t working the concession stand, driving the carpool, planning the teacher appreciation luncheon? Who indeed? It’s true that your role will look and feel different but that isn’t all bad. Now is the time to ask yourself- what do I really love to do? Did you love working the concession stand? Planning the luncheons? Or were you merely doing your “job”. This is the place to question what it is you loved about your vocation and what things you can happily leave behind.
- Perhaps some of you (cough, cough) have spent so much time and energy planning meals, heading the committees, and keeping everyone’s needs/wants/and dr. appointments up that you find you may have slightly neglected some important relationships. It could be with your husband or partner, your friends or even yourself. Now you are faced with the reality of that precious commodity you have had so little of : time. Time to get back in touch with that person (or persons) you once knew and loved so well. And that, my friends, is scary with a capital S. We secretly fear we may not recognize or even like them anymore, or worse, they may no longer recognize us. This is probably the biggest fear we have and we often don’t want to admit it to even ourselves. I know I didn’t . I had done an o.k. job keeping up with my friends but for better or worse I have this really great, really understanding, really low maintenance husband. He rarely demanded much of me (in fact, he is not demanding at all). And while that made it easy for me to be a mom it also made it easy for me to let that particular garden get a bit overgrown with weeds. So here is what I will say to you about the overgrown garden. Pick up a trowel or a shovel (I don’t garden so I have no idea what I’m talking about but I really love this metaphor) or for heavens’ sakes just use your hands- but begin. Start small. Whether you are married, single, divorced or anywhere in between- begin. Do something you love. Call someone you miss. Spend some time with your partner or friend (or yourself!). Take one small step towards the life you want. The things you loved about your husband, your friends, yourself- they are still there… hidden under the brambles maybe, but the hearts are still there, still beating. Just reach out and begin.
I know firsthand that this can be an overwhelming time for you. Give me 15 minutes to help you begin loosening one of your fears about the changes ahead of you. Or perhaps you’d rather delve into how to take that first step. You might just be surprised what we can do in a quarter of an hour.
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