You say goodbye either the evening after moving your progeny into their new digs or at some point the next morning. Either way- you are going to be sweaty, exhausted, sleep deprived and your nerves will be as fried as the potatoes in the school cafeteria.
When we dropped our son off, I pictured a beautiful goodbye lunch and a moment where he hugged us and thanked us for all that we had done to get him to this place. There would be food and laughter and perhaps the wiping of a tear from his eye as he waved goodbye to us.
Here’s what really happened:
A gorgeous girl he happened to know came be-bopping into his dorm room and invited him to join her at the pool. And he did what any 18 year old boy would do- he dropped us like a hot potato and went chasing after her lest she change her mind and find someone else to tan with.
I stood there dumbfounded… where was my lunch, my lingering hug fraught with meaning?
Fortunately, my husband, having once been an 18 year old boy himself, grabbed my hand and led me to the car. The entire ride home, we barely spoke. I was processing the years that had flown by, while my husband was thinking about where we could stop for gas and lunch. It hit me in that dorm room but it didn’t hit him until we pulled into our driveway and the spot where Joey’s car had sat for years was an empty gaping wound. It was only then that it hit Greg… but that is a story for another day.
Contrast that to our drop off with Grace. She is our baby, and the college decision for her was excruciating. She had a lot of great choices and had been accepted early at every school she applied to, yet she didn’t pull the trigger on FSU until April when it was crunch time. I assumed our goodbye would be as painful and difficult as her choice had been.
Once again… WRONG!
We left her the first morning of sorority rush with a bagel and a quick hug as she practically pushed us out the door and into our new life as true empty nesters.
So what did I learn from my experiences and that of my friends?
- We have these unspoken fantasies (or even nightmares) about how it will be, and it almost NEVER goes the way we think it will- so my first piece of wisdom is this:
- Get honest about how you think (or want it to go). Now take that image and erase it from your pretty little head! Ha ha – just kidding! Well, sort of. I hope you can honestly own the fantasy and honestly recognize that like all fantasies- they mostly exist in the provinces of your mind. It probably will be neither as glorious nor as hellacious as you imagine… and that is o.k.
Here are a few tips for saying goodbye
- One thing I wish I had done was written a note to my kids and left it for them to read after we were gone. I know very few people who had the goodbye they had wanted or expected. Most of us felt like we had forgotten to say something important (don’t worry… we didn’t … we all said the same thing- I love you, I’m proud of you, I’m here for you- in one version or another). I think if I had left a note it would have felt like I had tied up a few of the looser ends. I’m not talking about War and Peace here, by the way. A post it note under the pillow with the simple words: “I love you” would pretty much suffice.
- Keep it simple… I know you’re scared. Your child is going to be on their own, likely for the first time ever. You are thinking of all the ways it can go wrong. You want to remind them just one more time to “make good choices”… I implore you- don’t do it. Tell them you love them. Tell them you trust them. Tell them you are there for them. But for all that is holy and good in this world do not continue to repeat the same worn and tired phrases. Your kid isn’t listening … well, maybe he or she is but what they are hearing is “you can’t do this, I don’t trust you”. Do you really want those to be your parting words? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… You are not done being a parent, but you have done a really good job if you have gotten to this point. Trust that. Trust your kid. Trust yourself.
- Have a plan for after the drop off. Some of my friends left their child and went directly on vacation. For some of you that won’t be possible. Think about what you CAN do; perhaps dinner with your spouse and maybe another couple who have either gone through this already or who are in it with you. Have some plans, though. That first night can be tough. The advice from those of us who “have been there and done that” is to make a reservation at your favorite spot and download all you just saw, did and heard. The stories will be epic, from the matching fabric covered headboards you saw being carried in, to the twinkly lights that just wouldn’t twinkle and everything in between. Have a drink, sit back, and relax. Until the first panicked text from your freshman comes in….
And here are my final words to you:
Be kind and gentle with yourself and with your partner. He or she may not be acting the way you think they “should”, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling just as much as you are. We all process this event differently. There is no “right” way to grieve a major change and this is a shift that takes some time to get used to. Allow yourselves the time to process your emotions in whatever way makes sense to you as individuals.
Are you struggling with letting go and saying goodbye?
Let me help you, in 15 minutes I can show you the way to peace in your circumstances… click here
